When someone close to us dies, we can feel ill-equipped to deal with grief. What’s more the people around us may feel ill-equipped too. Many people don’t feel able to talk about death, so may avoid mentioning the person who has died. As a result, we can be left feeling isolated and alone. This blog looks at some of the challenges you might be facing and how counselling for bereavement can help you to navigate your grief.
Am I grieving normally
This question often arises in therapy and it is usually because the person asking it either has a preconceived idea of what grief ‘looks like’ or is comparing how they are feeling or behaving to how their family and friends seem to be grieving (or not) publically.
There is no one right way to grieve and people experience a wide range of emotions. Some of these emotions can feel confusing – for example you may feel overwhelmed with sadness, feel angry with everyone or completely numb.
None of these responses are unusual. Kubler-Ross identified ‘5 stages of grief’ that people may experience. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s worth bearing in mind that the term ‘stages’ is somewhat misleading as it suggests you should go from one stage to another. In fact, people can switch between these emotions at any time, or may only feel one or two.
How long will it take to get back to normal after bereavement?
This is a difficult question, and like all elements of grief, the answer is different for everyone. It’s also worth questioning what does ‘normal’ mean to you? Often when people take time to consider this, they realise they want the feelings of grief to go away, ideally by going back to a time before the person had died. Something that is, sadly, impossible.
They also want to stop feeling the ‘shock of grief’ – the little jolts that remind you that your loved one has died. These often occur because of the ‘firsts’. It’s easy to anticipate the big ones, the first birthdays, first celebrations such as Christmas and first holidays without your loved one. You know they are happening in advance, which gives you time to think and plan how you are going to handle these situations, no matter how difficult it feels at the time.
It’s the little things that tend to catch you off-guard. Things such as absentmindedly, picking up their favourite food in the supermarket, and then realising they won’t eat it ever again. Or going somewhere – and it doesn’t have to be somewhere special – and remembering that the last time you visited, you were here you were together.
These little things can feel enormous in the moment, and you deserve the opportunity to explore how you feel about them and how they are affecting you.
Since they died, I don’t know who I am anymore
When someone dies, as well as losing them, it can be very common to feel like you’ve lost your own identity. This often happens to people who stepped into the role of carer when their loved one became ill. Being a carer can be all-consuming, so you may also have had to give up or scale back work, hobbies and spend less time with family and friends. Then when the person dies, you find yourself suddenly lost, without a role.
Feeling like you don’t know who you are can also happen if the person who died had very strong opinions about the world and, as a result, how you should live your life. When they die it can leave you feeling rudderless because you never previously had room to explore your own path.
It can also happen to young adults. When a parent or sibling has died and suddenly your experience of life is very different to that of your friends, leaving you wondering how you fit into the world.
How can bereavement counselling help?
Counselling for bereavement and grief gives you a safe space where you can explore how you feel about your loved one’s death. It can help you to:
- Process emotions, such as anger, guilt, sadness, relief, or access them if you’re feeling numb
- Explore who you are now and help you to find a new sense of purpose (if you want one)
- Consider what you want from the future, now the future you envisioned has changed
- Look at your relationships with friends and family, and how they have shifted (or haven’t) and how you want them to be moving forward
- Help you to process traumatic memories such as reliving the person’s death
- Support you as you navigate the world alone
- Help you come to terms with your loved one’s death
- Enable you to accept what has happened if you have regrets, such as you didn’t get to say goodbye, or have the type of relationship you wanted
If you think that grief and bereavement counselling could help you, why not arrange a free introductory call to find out more about how we can support you through this difficult time.
Comments are closed