Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, civil partnership or married, break-ups can be tough. They can throw up lots of powerful emotions that can leave you feeling lost and overwhelmed. Our lives tend to be structured around romantic relationships, so when yours ends, it can feel like your whole world has come crashing down.
This blog looks at some of the challenges you may be facing during the different stages of a relationship breakdown and how individual private counselling can help you to move forward.
Why’s my relationship breaking down?
The realisation that there’s something wrong in your relationship can happen quite some time before the final decision to split is made. You may feel that you’re not as close as you used to be, are arguing more, feel unhappy or find you’re simply asking yourself “is this it?”
At this point, individual counselling can be helpful in giving you the opportunity to explore what you want, especially if you’re feeling stuck or conflicted. It will help you to consider what would need to change or happen to make continuing the relationship feel possible (and whether these are realistic). Counselling gives you the chance to think about your role in the relationship, where your patterns of behaviour stem from and what you can change or do differently. This can be important, even if you’re the ‘innocent party’ – for example, you may find that you’re not good at setting boundaries leading to you doing far more than your fair share in the relationship. It can also give you time to explore the different scenarios before you make a final decision to stay or split.
How can counselling help if the relationship break-up is not my decision?
Of course, you may still be very invested in your relationship, and it was your partner’s decided to end it. This may have come as a complete shock, especially if your partner had an affair. Or you may have known there were difficulties and had wanted to try and work things through together. You may be wondering why it’s happened, feel that you’ve been wronged (or that you did something wrong) and asking why you’re suffering when the breakup wasn’t your choice.
Relationship breakdowns that weren’t your decision can lead to you feeling powerless and can be difficult to come to terms with. It can also make you question whether the relationship and the love your partner had expressed for you was real. Taking time to explore these feelings in personal therapy, can allow you to deal with all your emotions in a safe, confidential space.
It gives you the chance to explore whether there were signs you may have missed (or ignored). You can examine how you feel about the past and the future, and work with your therapist to find new ways to think about your situation. Over time, counselling can help you find a way to come to terms with the separation or divorce, so that you can begin to rebuild your life.
Why am I grieving the end of my relationship?
Whether the split is your decision or not, grief is a very common reaction to the end of your relationship. After all, the relationship itself has died, and with it, the life you had and the future you had planned together. All of this takes some time to adjust to.
As you come to terms with the end of your relationship, it’s likely you’ll be experiencing a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, fear, relief, regret and even happiness. Given the scale of the changes that are happening, you might also find yourself feeling anxious, overwhelmed or depressed, especially if the future seems uncertain. Or you might be struggling with low self-esteem and questioning if anyone will love you again. Counselling for a relationship breakup offers you a space to grieve openly without judgement. You have the chance to reflect on what has happened (and what you wish had happened). Counselling provides a safe space to explore how you are feeling about the relationship and the split. This can be especially useful if you’re not reacting how you’d expect. And it gives you the chance to better understand, manage and cope with your reactions.
How counselling for relationship break-ups can help you move forward
When a long-term relationship breaks down, as well as feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, there are a lot of practicalities to consider. Examples include deciding where you’ll live and if you have children, how you’re going to split their care. Dealing with the uncertainty and the need to make life-changing decisions, not to mention the paperwork, can be exhausting and overwhelming. Added to that, the thought of being single again can be daunting. If you’ve been in your relationship for a long time, it may be decades since you lived alone (if ever) or went on a date.
Counselling provides calm in all the chaos. It can give you the time to think these things through on your own, and deal with all the conflicting emotions that come with them.
Counselling can also help you with issues that feel much more existential. Your therapist can support you as you seek answers to questions you may not have considered for a long time, such as who you are now? What is your role or purpose now you’re not a spouse or partner? What do you actually want from life moving forward? And what would you like to change?
Why have counselling rather than talk to friends and family?
While talking to friends and family can be invaluable, it can also create issues or even conflict because they are invested in you and your relationship. Managing other people’s shock, emotions, thoughts and opinions about your break-up can be difficult when you’re trying to process your own.
Individual counselling gives you the chance to talk about what’s going on for you without worrying how what you are saying is going to impact the people you love. Counsellors will listen to you without judgement, so you can bring the most difficult aspects of what you’re experiencing without fear. As you process your emotions and situation, you can start to look at your breakup more objectively, and make the decisions that are right for you. Most importantly, individual counselling for relationship breakups will help you to gain an understanding of what has happened, and allow you to start to reconnect with yourself in new ways. This in turn, will allow you to start to heal so that you can move forward in a way that feels right for you.
If you’re struggling with a relationship break, why not arrange an introductory call to see how counselling up could help you.
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